Right, that's it. I have had it.
I'm just not going to bother anymore, because what's the point? All those months of hard work only to have it all crash and burn. Again. Everyone is expecting me to just get up and get on with my life and then they blame me for not doing a well enough job at it. Well, fuck, I'm afraid I didn't get the memo that said I have to feel bloody GUILTY over having a hard time. Because, obviously, you are all suffering more from this than I am.
This is why I don't talk to people. There are only a few select people I can turn to, knowing that they won't get upset with me for letting them know what's bothering me and even with those people I find myself hesitating. I do not wish to push people away. I know it's hard to deal with someone who has been down for a long time, so I don't want to put people through it. Instead, I keep things to myself. At the cost of my own sanity, some would say. But sooner or later something's got to give, right? Hence tonight's rant.
I lasted four days. Four days, which is pretty good all things considered. During our conversation the pain was still so new and I did not quite know how to handle it, but after that I refused to think about it, focusing on other things instead. So yes, I lasted four days until last night, or was it this morning, when I broke down and cried my eyes out. Rather pathetic since I had promised myself not to cry over him again.
And, of course, it just had to be on the day my brother was coming home again. So not only do I get to deal with... all of this Shit, but I also have to get constantly reminded about how big a burden I am to my parents, etc, etc.
Right, straying from the point again...
I have always held onto a part of me that is, most definitely, very much a romantic. I have been tempted to throw that part out of the window several times in my life but I always ended up changing my mind. I knew that romance is something you have to work for. It's not like in the stories, it requires a lot, a lot of work. I knew that, and I accepted that. But no matter how hard you work, it never really makes up for the pain you feel when it all falls to pieces. Honestly, it doesn't. That kind of heartbreaking pain can, and will, render me completely useless for months, if not more. I just can't take that anymore.
I have quite enough bouts of uselessness as it is, thank you, what with random panic and anxiety attacks and all that jazz. I'm not really in a state of mind where I can really deal with... well, heartbreak, I guess.
Friendships and so on I can deal with. No problem. I can be a really good friend when I want to be. (I think.) So yes, friendships are fine and family... well, can't really get rid of them, can I? Besides, they have their good sides too, I suppose.
Relationships, on the other hand... That's where I draw the line. Just... no more. I am sick and tired of putting myself out there, making myself vulnerable and get absolutely nothing for it.
So, yes. I give up. Relationships can go screw themselves for all I care.
Contrary to popular beliefs, I am not writing this to gain pity votes. In fact, I would rather appreciate if no one left any comments on this particular post. I don't even care if anyone reads this. It is entirely for my own benefit. I do not speak of my emotions very often and when I do make an effort to my words often tend to get stuck in my throat, refusing to come out. So sometimes I just need a place to vent. This is it. I have used this blog as an outlet before when times have been particularly rough and I am likely to do it again. If anyone does not wish to read all of this then you don't have to. You can come back again when I have returned to posting frivolous nonesense about clothes or tea or dolls or whatnot.
Also... Some people might find it shocking to find... oh my, cursing! on a Lolita's blog... But I really don't give a shit.
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