Uhm..

Happy Halloween and stuff, I guess. Yeah. Not celebratin' it this year, but I still thought I ought to say something.

Shoot me!

Right so today it was time for the photoshoot that Josefine and I had been planning. It involved a lot of pretty fall leaves and a brand new hat! But I'm not telling you any more than that~ The rest will be a surprise!

So I got up at hmm... 8-ish is morning and had my tea, got dressed and so on. Then I took the bus to lovely Katrin's apartment where she did my hair and makeup. She is awesome, by the by, so you should all check out her blog! 

My hair is standing straight up in that picture, even though it's hard to see. :3

Putting on the newly designed and finished hat.

And last, but not least... Me posing with Voldermort with wonderful photographer Josefine in the background. She is also insanely talented so you should all go like her on Facebook or watch her on DeviantArt

Once I was all styled and ready, Josefine and I made our way to Haga Parken where played around among the beautifully colored trees.

Today just appears to be a generally bad day. Not that that is particularly surprising... I haven't had a lot of good days lately. But still, today had great potential to be wonderful. I have this awesome new haircut, I picked out a lovely outfit and I got to spend the day with Emma celebrating her birthday. However, despite all of those things I find myself just wanting to crawl back into bed and not come out until christmas. Or something.

Last night I stayed up rather late talking to one of my brother's friends who is currently staying with us. She's such a sweet girl but, even though I like talking to her, a lot of unpleasant topics came up and the whole conversation left me feeling... not so good. Then when I finally did go to bed I couldn't sleep and spent most of the night staring up at the ceiling.

So, needless to say I was extremely tired when I woke up. As well as feeling more than a little bit down because the conversation from yesterday still lingered in my mind. And it still does. But I still got myself out of bed, made tea and started getting ready to go out. From the moment I had gotten my haircut yesterday I had been longing to try to curl my hair and so I did that this morning. It was SO pretty. All fluffy and bouncy, just like I imagined it would be. Sadly, after only about thirty minutes outside my curls were drooping and looked about as depressed as I felt. Ugh.

Still, I went out and I met up with Emma. She looked lovely as always. Then we walked around in town searching for a café that wasn't packed with people... I think we must have been walking around for over an hour when we finally decided to give up. However, when we walked towards the subway we happened past a café that did, in fact, have empty seats! Tired as we both were, we decided to at least have some cake before going home. So we went inside, elbowed our way through a throng of people and snatched an empty table. Now, the café was rather nice, although crowded, and they had nice pastries but no matter how much I tried to enjoy myself I struggled. A lot. My eyelids drooped, I yawned a lot and my hairband was giving me an epic migraine. Thankfully, Emma seemed to understand, but it still felt so bad to sit there and feel horrible when we were supposed to be celebrating her birthday.

In the end we just ate our cake, sat there and halfheartedly tried to keep a conversation going. Then the cake ran out and there was really no reason to remain there anymore. So we went our separate ways and I went straight home.

Now I am sitting here by my computer with a killer headache, sipping lukewarm tea and feeling generally miserable. Later tonight I will have to go out to a restaurant with my parents and have a late birthday dinner for my mother. Normally I would love going out to dinner, but right now I am so tired I just want to stay home. Even the glorious food isn't enough to make me want to go out. I still have no appetite.

Right... enough ranting for today.

Happy Birthday, Emma. I'll treat you to dinner sometime when I have my appetite back to make up for all of this.

A Haircut and a new Coat

So~ Earlier this week I got my order from Innocent World containing my new brown/creme coat and dark red socks! So when I went out with my Friend Emma I just has to put together an outfit with both things.

Both the coat and the socks are absolutely to die for. I love them to death.

Oh and I had been planning for a while to get my hair cut and today I finally had my appointment. Gone is the long, long hair that reached down to my hips~ I was both excited and nervous about the whole ordeal but in the end I was very pleased with the results.

As I promised some of my friends... Here are before and after shots:

Better pics of the new hairstyle will come later when it isn't so dark outside.

Tea at Sturekatten

So yesterday I met up with my dear, dear friend Hillevi and we went to Sturekatten, a very sweet café near Stureplan in Stockholm. It's a bit hidden away but the interior is absolutely to die for. My father's grandmother and aunt used to come to this place during their visits in Stockholm when he was young and he aptly described it as the place where "Ladies in Hats" (Damer i Hatt) used to go for tea and coffee. 

Anyway~

My outfit for the day. Blurry picture is blurry.

Dress: Alice and the Pirates

Turtleneck: Baby, the Stars Shine Bright

Socks: Ergi

Necklace & Hairband: Innocent World

Fur Stole: Inherited 

Lovely Hillevi~

I love spending time with her. It's so relaxing and we talk about everything and nothing.

Nom nom Tea~

I wanted to show you some pictures of the interior of the Café but they all turned out too blurry... This was the only one that turned out alright. We sat right by the window and it was light and lovely.

On a brighter note~

Gloom and doom aside (It's easier to laugh at your own misery, trust me.), this next month will be filled with work and hats and work and more hats.

Yesterday I got the sweetest invitation to come sell my things at KultCon in Jönköping at the end of the month. Totally made my day, it did. So, after some discussion it was decided that on the 27th of October my mother and I will travel down to Jönköping and then spend the whole weekend there. I will be at the convention  Friday to Sunday and hopefully I will get a lot of things sold! But before then I need to work to make a lot more hats and accessories. *nods* Just have to find the inspiration now...

Also, on an equally hatty note, on the 24th I'll be going back to the studio where I took my hat-making course and I will join the workshop there. Any chance to keep working with different materials is a big plus to me! And that studio is really one of the nicest places I have ever worked in~

I will also try to finish all the orders I have at the moment. It might take a bit longer than usual, but I'll get to it, I promise!

Then, once all of this hatty madness is done with (Well, not completely done - it never is - but you get my point~) I will be looking forward to a wonderful long weekend in Paris at the beginning of November! If anything, a trip to that city will definitely make me feel better. I am so looking forward to it! :3

Last but not least...
I ordered a brand new winter coat from Innocent World last week, along with a pair of socks, and I can't wait for them to arrive! Of course, the coat was on reservation so I'll have to wait until the end of October for it to be released but I don't care~ It's to die for, it's so pretty!

Oh, and I might have gotten a tumblr. Whoops?
http://imperialfiddlesticks.tumblr.com/

That's all for now~
Take care everyone!

Rant, rant, rant~ Don't like it? Don't read it.

Right, that's it. I have had it.
I'm just not going to bother anymore, because what's the point? All those months of hard work only to have it all crash and burn. Again. Everyone is expecting me to just get up and get on with my life and then they blame me for not doing a well enough job at it. Well, fuck, I'm afraid I didn't get the memo that said I have to feel bloody GUILTY over having a hard time. Because, obviously, you are all suffering more from this than I am.

This is why I don't talk to people. There are only a few select people I can turn to, knowing that they won't get upset with me for letting them know what's bothering me and even with those people I find myself hesitating. I do not wish to push people away. I know it's hard to deal with someone who has been down for a long time, so I don't want to put people through it. Instead, I keep things to myself. At the cost of my own sanity, some would say. But sooner or later something's got to give, right? Hence tonight's rant.

I lasted four days. Four days, which is pretty good all things considered. During our conversation the pain was still so new and I did not quite know how to handle it, but after that I refused to think about it, focusing on other things instead. So yes, I lasted four days until last night, or was it this morning, when I broke down and cried my eyes out. Rather pathetic since I had promised myself not to cry over him again.

And, of course, it just had to be on the day my brother was coming home again. So not only do I get to deal with... all of this Shit, but I also have to get constantly reminded about how big a burden I am to my parents, etc, etc.

Right, straying from the point again...

I have always held onto a part of me that is, most definitely, very much a romantic. I have been tempted to throw that part out of the window several times in my life but I always ended up changing my mind. I knew that romance is something you have to work for. It's not like in the stories, it requires a lot, a lot of work. I knew that, and I accepted that. But no matter how hard you work, it never really makes up for the pain you feel when it all falls to pieces. Honestly, it doesn't. That kind of heartbreaking pain can, and will, render me completely useless for months, if not more. I just can't take that anymore.

I have quite enough bouts of uselessness as it is, thank you, what with random panic and anxiety attacks and all that jazz. I'm not really in a state of mind where I can really deal with... well, heartbreak, I guess.

Friendships and so on I can deal with. No problem. I can be a really good friend when I want to be. (I think.) So yes, friendships are fine and family... well, can't really get rid of them, can I? Besides, they have their good sides too, I suppose.

Relationships, on the other hand... That's where I draw the line. Just... no more. I am sick and tired of putting myself out there, making myself vulnerable and get absolutely nothing for it.

So, yes. I give up. Relationships can go screw themselves for all I care.


Contrary to popular beliefs, I am not writing this to gain pity votes. In fact, I would rather appreciate if no one left any comments on this particular post. I don't even care if anyone reads this. It is entirely for my own benefit. I do not speak of my emotions very often and when I do make an effort to my words often tend to get stuck in my throat, refusing to come out. So sometimes I just need a place to vent. This is it. I have used this blog as an outlet before when times have been particularly rough and I am likely to do it again. If anyone does not wish to read all of this then you don't have to. You can come back again when I have returned to posting frivolous nonesense about clothes or tea or dolls or whatnot. 


Also... Some people might find it shocking to find... oh my, cursing! on a Lolita's blog... But I really don't give a shit. 

...

I guess it's official now. Memories packed away, belongings returned and I'm single again.