Prrr, ranting and thoughts. Just never mind me.

Pretentious crap incoming... read at your own risk.

Have you ever had a memory so great that it makes you smile whenever you think of it? It could be of a certain time, a certain place or a certain person but no matter what it always manages to make you happy. I think we rather need memories like that. Especially when times are bad we should all have a moment of such pure unadulterated happiness that we can think back to. It makes all the problems go away for a while... and that small moment of peace is priceless.

I do my best to collect good memories as I go along. I am especially good at keeping some sort of proof of each occassion, such as a photo or something like that. Something I can see, touch and really remember that day. Memories like that really do help when I’m feeling down. Even on the gloomiest of days I can pull out a photograph, a dress, some jewelry, perhaps even a flower and I can remind myself that there still is a silver lining to life. There always is. And having physical proof only makes the feeling all the greater.

Strangely enough though... the most powerful and happy memory I have is just that, a memory. I don’t have anything to remind me of it. No photos, nothing. But no matter what it still remains in my mind, almost constantly. It wasn’t even a big deal... Just one night, out of many, that was spent in good company. There was barely any talking and we were both focused on our tasks. But I don’t think I have ever felt so much at peace before. It was a sort of comfortable silence, broken only by the music playing from the computer, but it makes my heart swell whenever I think of it. Silly, isn’t it? That I should remember that so fondly. I don’t know why, but that night I was really happy.

Now, if I only could let it remain a happy memory, it would be fine. But who can blame me for wanting more? I want more nights like that, I want to feel that happy and at peace again. So no matter what I keep chasing after it. I can’t help myself it seems. Sometimes, no matter how much you try to prevent it, memories fade. Or become embellished, exaggerated. Maybe that night wasn’t as great as I remember it? Maybe I’m just making myself believe it so that I have something worth fighting for? God, I don’t know.

Perhaps it would be best if I let the memory be. Then I could remember that night and smile, and that would be it. It would remain this fantastical night that seems almost too good to be true. It would be unspoiled.

On the other hand, if I continue to chase after it, who’s to say I will ever find it again? Even if I do, maybe it’s not the same as I remember. Then it will all be ruined. Even that first precious memory. It was probably just a figment of my imagination anyway, right?

I’m not sure where I am going with this. Sometimes I just need to get all my thoughts down on paper, whether they make sense or not. This particular question has been bothering me for some time now.

It’s a bit of a gamble, isn’t it? If I chase after that feeling, that moment of pure happiness, I might end up losing more than I bargained for, including the best memory I have.

It would probably be better just to take the memory for what it is. Remember that time and smile on occassion, but otherwise move on with my life and leave that night in the past where it belongs.

Ugh... I apologize for all of this. I’m still not quite well and when I’m sick I tend to think more than is healthy.

For Someone

I sat and looked at some old photos today. I do not know why I did it, but when I saw that old nickname there and the word "Mine~" next to it I could not help myself from clicking on that link. Of course, you had cleaned out most of the photos, but there were still some left. Most of them were taken while I knew you, but some were taken before that and yet I still recognized some things that you had told me about. Back then I believed everything you said completely. Unfortunately, I have come to the realization that I really have no idea if you were ever telling me the truth about things. It does not even matter if it was a small insignificant matter or an enormous thing like saying you were alone - they were all still lies. It made me think that maybe you never told me the truth? And that maybe... maybe even those three words you whispered to me on the phone that night was a lie.

Anyway, I have ranted about these things many times now... But the thing is... When I saw those old pictures... Especially the Princess one, and I think you know which one I am talking about, I felt this growing pit in my stomach. I actually felt sad. It was not even because I missed what we have... Actually, who am I kidding? I miss what we had, I miss the times when I actually believed you loved me, and, as I have said many many times, Ignorance can truly be Bliss. I was so mappy back then, and I miss that feeling. But, no matter how much I miss it, the thing that saddens me the most is that I ever believed any of the lies that came out of your mouth. I am so mad at myself for falling into the trap you set for me... The same one you have set for all your friends now. But hey, we were more than friends right? At least I would like to think that we were... even for the shortest time. Perhaps not... In hindsight everything looks so different, doesn't it? I hate that I was not different like I foolishly believe that I was and I hate that I tricked myself into thinking that you would not deliberately try to hurt me.

I fell into the trap... More than once actually... You know that as well as I do... But I have learned my lesson now... I will not let myself be fooled another time; I want nothing more to do with you.

I need the company of other humans in order to function, but at the same time I hate being around them... Is that not odd? I am torn between living a miserable life with others, or a lonely one by myself... At least when I am alone I do not have to justify my choices or prove that I am worthy of something. When I am alone I can be myself.

Of Sirens and Cake

As the monthly pain rips through my lower abdomen I find myself craving intelligent coversation. A tête-à-tête, or dialogue if you will, filled with well thought through arguments where both participants feel the need to prove their point and, at the same time, crave the answers that only the other holds. I dream of an hour or two filled with articulate comments even about the most trivial things, and perhaps even the things we do not believe in. Of fairies and sirens and the most complex of literature. Of the gods of old, and of cakes with a sugary icing. Of anything and everything and I would be happy.

Unfortunately, there are only so many people in the world which can provide such a wonderous discussion and, at the moment, they, as well as time, seems to be slipping out of reach. The stress is slowly creeping up behind me, ready to swallow me whole as soon as I do not expect it. Toughts of what to do and when to do it are prominent in my mind and I find myself unable to decide. It is like a heartless is hiding somewhere in the dark corners of my room, draining all of mine energy and motivation, leaving me empty and lonely. I would wish for more time but it would be without use for I have no timeturner, nor do I have a timemachine that could provide the extra minutes, hours or years needed to decide.

So instead I do what I can to try to be happy, even for the briefest of moments. And now I shall have some cake to lighten my mood.

Spring time come again...

I am starting to run out of happy memories. Each time I think back it hurts inside. Back then I was happy, but when you realize that it was all an illusion created by your own mind it is hard to find that happy feeling again. It is gone, along with the people who helped create it. Somehow it always ends up like this...

I want new memories... genuine memories... Memories of a spring when laughter rang in the air and smiles were abundant.

I want something that I can look back on and smile, really smile... even though times are bad.

So please, let this spring be a nice one....