As the monthly pain rips through my lower abdomen I find myself craving intelligent coversation. A tête-à-tête, or dialogue if you will, filled with well thought through arguments where both participants feel the need to prove their point and, at the same time, crave the answers that only the other holds. I dream of an hour or two filled with articulate comments even about the most trivial things, and perhaps even the things we do not believe in. Of fairies and sirens and the most complex of literature. Of the gods of old, and of cakes with a sugary icing. Of anything and everything and I would be happy.
Unfortunately, there are only so many people in the world which can provide such a wonderous discussion and, at the moment, they, as well as time, seems to be slipping out of reach. The stress is slowly creeping up behind me, ready to swallow me whole as soon as I do not expect it. Toughts of what to do and when to do it are prominent in my mind and I find myself unable to decide. It is like a heartless is hiding somewhere in the dark corners of my room, draining all of mine energy and motivation, leaving me empty and lonely. I would wish for more time but it would be without use for I have no timeturner, nor do I have a timemachine that could provide the extra minutes, hours or years needed to decide.
So instead I do what I can to try to be happy, even for the briefest of moments. And now I shall have some cake to lighten my mood.
Showing posts with label Time. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Time. Show all posts
Monday, May 4, 2009
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Too much time to think...
I have been foolish, not realizing when I am not wanted somewhere, even though the clues have been plentiful.
Now, I see it more clearly.
After several months of absence I have not heard a single "Where have you been?" or "How are you?" or "What happened?" from any of the people I considered closest to me. I have, on the other hand, heard it from the ones I do not know so well, even on random encounters in the city. When they could have just continued walking, not bothering to talk to me, they stopped and asked how I had been and when I was coming back. Some even pretended that nothing had happened, and just acted like I was coming back any day now. Even though I realize that it was probably just out of courtesy, I can not help but feel relieved that they took the time out of their busy schedule to show that they cared, even just a little bit, while people with my telephone number have not even bothered with a single call.
I never expected a wakeup call from such a simple thing, and yet there it was, although I am not sure if I wanted it at first. Some people say that ignorance is bliss, and I suppose that is true, at least until we reach the point where knowledge of certain things is inevitable. Then, we wish that that day had never come. It is hard to accept the reality, harsh as it is, and time and time again I have found myself running from it.
Unfortunately, running does not solve anything, does it? So, instead I just stopped caring.
Once upon a time I would have been upset if I read that some of you resented me, but right now? Why should I even be bothered to care?
What I did, what we all were trying to do really, was to make you stand up for yourselves. Our methods may have been harsh I admit, but not nearly as terrible as when someone eventually will abuse your confidence, making you do something you really do now want to do. And as dependant on other people as you are, I am sure that you would have fallen under the pressure.
All I wanted was for you to tell me off, to show some courage, and prove that you really could stand up for yourself when the situation demanded it, but you never did. Instead, you did what you always do; you allowed yourself to be affected by other people and ended up losing one of the few people who actually cared about your wellbeing.
Now, I may not be a saint, and I may not have that many friends in the world, but at least I am my own person and the few friends I have accept me for who I am. And that is a lot more than what can be said about you.
There are only a few select people that I will miss and I think they know who they are, but in case they are feeling particularly thick-headed today, they were the ones who stopped, by their own will, to say hello when I came to return my books.
I had not intended for this to become such a very long post, and I do not expect any of the people concerned to read it, and even if they did, they probably would not care, but I needed to get it off my chest. But if, for some unknown reason, the people mentioned ever should come to read this, and find that my opinion might actually be worth something, I hope that they will realize the truth in what I have said. After all, I have no reason to lie in my own journal.
Now, I see it more clearly.
After several months of absence I have not heard a single "Where have you been?" or "How are you?" or "What happened?" from any of the people I considered closest to me. I have, on the other hand, heard it from the ones I do not know so well, even on random encounters in the city. When they could have just continued walking, not bothering to talk to me, they stopped and asked how I had been and when I was coming back. Some even pretended that nothing had happened, and just acted like I was coming back any day now. Even though I realize that it was probably just out of courtesy, I can not help but feel relieved that they took the time out of their busy schedule to show that they cared, even just a little bit, while people with my telephone number have not even bothered with a single call.
I never expected a wakeup call from such a simple thing, and yet there it was, although I am not sure if I wanted it at first. Some people say that ignorance is bliss, and I suppose that is true, at least until we reach the point where knowledge of certain things is inevitable. Then, we wish that that day had never come. It is hard to accept the reality, harsh as it is, and time and time again I have found myself running from it.
Unfortunately, running does not solve anything, does it? So, instead I just stopped caring.
Once upon a time I would have been upset if I read that some of you resented me, but right now? Why should I even be bothered to care?
What I did, what we all were trying to do really, was to make you stand up for yourselves. Our methods may have been harsh I admit, but not nearly as terrible as when someone eventually will abuse your confidence, making you do something you really do now want to do. And as dependant on other people as you are, I am sure that you would have fallen under the pressure.
All I wanted was for you to tell me off, to show some courage, and prove that you really could stand up for yourself when the situation demanded it, but you never did. Instead, you did what you always do; you allowed yourself to be affected by other people and ended up losing one of the few people who actually cared about your wellbeing.
Now, I may not be a saint, and I may not have that many friends in the world, but at least I am my own person and the few friends I have accept me for who I am. And that is a lot more than what can be said about you.
There are only a few select people that I will miss and I think they know who they are, but in case they are feeling particularly thick-headed today, they were the ones who stopped, by their own will, to say hello when I came to return my books.
I had not intended for this to become such a very long post, and I do not expect any of the people concerned to read it, and even if they did, they probably would not care, but I needed to get it off my chest. But if, for some unknown reason, the people mentioned ever should come to read this, and find that my opinion might actually be worth something, I hope that they will realize the truth in what I have said. After all, I have no reason to lie in my own journal.
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