Where did Easter go?

Hm... Last week and the beginning of this one, everyone got several days off work to celebrate easter. Normally I would have been looking forward to it, to the extra long weekend during which I would not have to go to school. But this year, since I am not in school at all and pretty much have every day off, I barely noticed as Easter came and went.

When I was much younger, my dad used to bring me outside to hide easter eggs. And before that we would have had decorated the naked trees outside of our house with colorful feathers. I used to look forward to this time of year. Especially if you consider the great amounts of candy I could stuff my mouth with.

It's a bit sad, but I do not do things like that anymore. Luckily, this easter I had a lot of other things to occupy myself with :)

Like going to the playground on Saturday with some friends:

Oh, and this was the morning after Lunacy. I have no idea where I got all that energy from XD

Just another one of those rants

How come I am always the last choice? People who claim to love me seem to just forget me whenever one of their "real" friends step into the room. I do not understand... Am I really that horrible to be around? So awful that even though plans have been made, you still prioritize others before me. No matter what I do, I am never good enough to be around, am I? No... Because there will always be someone who is better. Every... Single... Time.

I am starting to think that perhaps I would be better off without any friends at all. It certainly would save me a lot of pain and embarrassment.

There are only a few select people that I trust completely. There used to be a lot more of them, but now there are only five. Two people have been docked off that list and, at this rate, I have a feeling more will follow. I do nott mean to turn my back on people, but sometimes drastic measures must be used in order to save one from heartbreak.

Oso - My over-the-seas Sister. I will always love you or at least as long as you provide me with wonderful smutty RPs.

Panda - My best gay friend. I miss you, sweetie, and I do not know what I would do without you.

Josh - My Australian boytoy. Did not think you would end up on this list, did you?

Kreia - My provider of ironic remarks. You are truly evil, my friend.

Vesh - My trusted older brother. We do not see eachother much but I love you nonetheless, ye olde lycan.

Please do not let me down.

Meanwhile, the rest of you might want to think about this. If you are not one of these five, it means that you have lost whatever trust I used to have in you, and it takes quite a lot for that to happen.

Too much time to think...

I have been foolish, not realizing when I am not wanted somewhere, even though the clues have been plentiful.

Now, I see it more clearly.

After several months of absence I have not heard a single "Where have you been?" or "How are you?" or "What happened?" from any of the people I considered closest to me. I have, on the other hand, heard it from the ones I do not know so well, even on random encounters in the city. When they could have just continued walking, not bothering to talk to me, they stopped and asked how I had been and when I was coming back. Some even pretended that nothing had happened, and just acted like I was coming back any day now. Even though I realize that it was probably just out of courtesy, I can not help but feel relieved that they took the time out of their busy schedule to show that they cared, even just a little bit, while people with my telephone number have not even bothered with a single call.

I never expected a wakeup call from such a simple thing, and yet there it was, although I am not sure if I wanted it at first. Some people say that ignorance is bliss, and I suppose that is true, at least until we reach the point where knowledge of certain things is inevitable. Then, we wish that that day had never come. It is hard to accept the reality, harsh as it is, and time and time again I have found myself running from it.

Unfortunately, running does not solve anything, does it? So, instead I just stopped caring.

Once upon a time I would have been upset if I read that some of you resented me, but right now? Why should I even be bothered to care?

What I did, what we all were trying to do really, was to make you stand up for yourselves. Our methods may have been harsh I admit, but not nearly as terrible as when someone eventually will abuse your confidence, making you do something you really do now want to do. And as dependant on other people as you are, I am sure that you would have fallen under the pressure.

All I wanted was for you to tell me off, to show some courage, and prove that you really could stand up for yourself when the situation demanded it, but you never did. Instead, you did what you always do; you allowed yourself to be affected by other people and ended up losing one of the few people who actually cared about your wellbeing.

Now, I may not be a saint, and I may not have that many friends in the world, but at least I am my own person and the few friends I have accept me for who I am. And that is a lot more than what can be said about you.

There are only a few select people that I will miss and I think they know who they are, but in case they are feeling particularly thick-headed today, they were the ones who stopped, by their own will, to say hello when I came to return my books.

I had not intended for this to become such a very long post, and I do not expect any of the people concerned to read it, and even if they did, they probably would not care, but I needed to get it off my chest. But if, for some unknown reason, the people mentioned ever should come to read this, and find that my opinion might actually be worth something, I hope that they will realize the truth in what I have said. After all, I have no reason to lie in my own journal.

I have been foolish, not realizing when I am not wanted somewhere, even though the clues have been plentyful. Now I see it more clearly. After several months of absence I have not heard a single "Where have you been?" or "How are you?" or "What happened?" from any of the people I considered closest to me. I have, on the other hand, heard it from the ones I do not know so well. I find it rather funny how such a simple thing can act as such a wakeupcall.

Of people and things, and Cabbages and Kings

Is it not funny how depressed we can get just from realizing how few friends we have? Or by thinking of all the people we thought were friends, but really were not? Is it not facinating that other people can have that big an affect on you, whether you like it or not? We humans , much like wolves or other pack animals, are social creatures, constantly dependant on others. We always want someone to be there to take care of us, and someone for us to take care of in turn and we always strive to prove ourselves to people in our surroundings, be they family, friends or just strangers. Everything we do in life is intimately connected to other people. And nothing we do is ever really completely for ourselves.

No matter what we would like to believe, no man, or woman for that matter, is an island. We always want someone to keep us company and sometimes it does not even matter if that someone is not of our own species; it could be a pet, or in Chuck Noland's case: a volleyball. Of course, most of these substitutes do not last very long. Pets will always remain pets, and although they might be nice to cuddle, they can not comfort us when we are sad or tell us that everything will be all right. The same things goes for material things, and sooner or later they are going to be swept away by the waves, leaving us all alone once again.

I once thought that happyness did not neccessarily involve human contact, that there was no much more in the world to keep me feeling good. Only now do I realise how wrong I was. Material happyness in our modernday society is almost like a drug. Presents, clothes and money may be able to keep us happy for a time, but eventually they are going to lose their charm and all we do is crave for more. What had started as a small gift will escalade into heaps of things we really do not need and eventually we will fall into bitter dissappointment when we can not get all that we wish to have.

In the end, even though Things can never replace a good friend, we learn to take joy in the little things. They do not last as long perhaps, but give us enough of them and they can at least sustain us until a person comes along... A person who might, for once, turn out to be a good friend.

But until then, please let me enjoy the clothes and trinkets that make me happy. I do not know what else to do.

Maybe you should do the same.