Prrr, ranting and thoughts. Just never mind me.

Pretentious crap incoming... read at your own risk.

Have you ever had a memory so great that it makes you smile whenever you think of it? It could be of a certain time, a certain place or a certain person but no matter what it always manages to make you happy. I think we rather need memories like that. Especially when times are bad we should all have a moment of such pure unadulterated happiness that we can think back to. It makes all the problems go away for a while... and that small moment of peace is priceless.

I do my best to collect good memories as I go along. I am especially good at keeping some sort of proof of each occassion, such as a photo or something like that. Something I can see, touch and really remember that day. Memories like that really do help when I’m feeling down. Even on the gloomiest of days I can pull out a photograph, a dress, some jewelry, perhaps even a flower and I can remind myself that there still is a silver lining to life. There always is. And having physical proof only makes the feeling all the greater.

Strangely enough though... the most powerful and happy memory I have is just that, a memory. I don’t have anything to remind me of it. No photos, nothing. But no matter what it still remains in my mind, almost constantly. It wasn’t even a big deal... Just one night, out of many, that was spent in good company. There was barely any talking and we were both focused on our tasks. But I don’t think I have ever felt so much at peace before. It was a sort of comfortable silence, broken only by the music playing from the computer, but it makes my heart swell whenever I think of it. Silly, isn’t it? That I should remember that so fondly. I don’t know why, but that night I was really happy.

Now, if I only could let it remain a happy memory, it would be fine. But who can blame me for wanting more? I want more nights like that, I want to feel that happy and at peace again. So no matter what I keep chasing after it. I can’t help myself it seems. Sometimes, no matter how much you try to prevent it, memories fade. Or become embellished, exaggerated. Maybe that night wasn’t as great as I remember it? Maybe I’m just making myself believe it so that I have something worth fighting for? God, I don’t know.

Perhaps it would be best if I let the memory be. Then I could remember that night and smile, and that would be it. It would remain this fantastical night that seems almost too good to be true. It would be unspoiled.

On the other hand, if I continue to chase after it, who’s to say I will ever find it again? Even if I do, maybe it’s not the same as I remember. Then it will all be ruined. Even that first precious memory. It was probably just a figment of my imagination anyway, right?

I’m not sure where I am going with this. Sometimes I just need to get all my thoughts down on paper, whether they make sense or not. This particular question has been bothering me for some time now.

It’s a bit of a gamble, isn’t it? If I chase after that feeling, that moment of pure happiness, I might end up losing more than I bargained for, including the best memory I have.

It would probably be better just to take the memory for what it is. Remember that time and smile on occassion, but otherwise move on with my life and leave that night in the past where it belongs.

Ugh... I apologize for all of this. I’m still not quite well and when I’m sick I tend to think more than is healthy.