Too much time to think...

I have been foolish, not realizing when I am not wanted somewhere, even though the clues have been plentiful.

Now, I see it more clearly.

After several months of absence I have not heard a single "Where have you been?" or "How are you?" or "What happened?" from any of the people I considered closest to me. I have, on the other hand, heard it from the ones I do not know so well, even on random encounters in the city. When they could have just continued walking, not bothering to talk to me, they stopped and asked how I had been and when I was coming back. Some even pretended that nothing had happened, and just acted like I was coming back any day now. Even though I realize that it was probably just out of courtesy, I can not help but feel relieved that they took the time out of their busy schedule to show that they cared, even just a little bit, while people with my telephone number have not even bothered with a single call.

I never expected a wakeup call from such a simple thing, and yet there it was, although I am not sure if I wanted it at first. Some people say that ignorance is bliss, and I suppose that is true, at least until we reach the point where knowledge of certain things is inevitable. Then, we wish that that day had never come. It is hard to accept the reality, harsh as it is, and time and time again I have found myself running from it.

Unfortunately, running does not solve anything, does it? So, instead I just stopped caring.

Once upon a time I would have been upset if I read that some of you resented me, but right now? Why should I even be bothered to care?

What I did, what we all were trying to do really, was to make you stand up for yourselves. Our methods may have been harsh I admit, but not nearly as terrible as when someone eventually will abuse your confidence, making you do something you really do now want to do. And as dependant on other people as you are, I am sure that you would have fallen under the pressure.

All I wanted was for you to tell me off, to show some courage, and prove that you really could stand up for yourself when the situation demanded it, but you never did. Instead, you did what you always do; you allowed yourself to be affected by other people and ended up losing one of the few people who actually cared about your wellbeing.

Now, I may not be a saint, and I may not have that many friends in the world, but at least I am my own person and the few friends I have accept me for who I am. And that is a lot more than what can be said about you.

There are only a few select people that I will miss and I think they know who they are, but in case they are feeling particularly thick-headed today, they were the ones who stopped, by their own will, to say hello when I came to return my books.

I had not intended for this to become such a very long post, and I do not expect any of the people concerned to read it, and even if they did, they probably would not care, but I needed to get it off my chest. But if, for some unknown reason, the people mentioned ever should come to read this, and find that my opinion might actually be worth something, I hope that they will realize the truth in what I have said. After all, I have no reason to lie in my own journal.

I have been foolish, not realizing when I am not wanted somewhere, even though the clues have been plentyful. Now I see it more clearly. After several months of absence I have not heard a single "Where have you been?" or "How are you?" or "What happened?" from any of the people I considered closest to me. I have, on the other hand, heard it from the ones I do not know so well. I find it rather funny how such a simple thing can act as such a wakeupcall.

And, O Soul, Forget Thy Dreams!

In these rapid, restless shadows,
Once I walked at eventide,
When a gentle, silent maiden,
Walked in beauty at my side.
She alone there walked beside me
All in beauty, like a bride.

Pallidly the moon was shining
On the dewy meadows nigh;
On the silvery, silent rivers,
On the mountains far and high,
-- On the ocean's star-lit waters,
Where the winds a-weary die.

Slowly, silently we wandered
From the open cottage door,
Underneath the elm's long branches
To the pavement bending o'er;
Underneath the mossy willow
And the dying sycamore.

With the myriad stars in beauty
All bedight, the heavens were seen,
Radiant hopes were bright around me,
Like the light of stars serene;
Like the mellow midnight splendor
Of the Night's irradiate queen.

Audibly the elm-leaves whispered
Peaceful, pleasant melodies,
Like the distant murmured music
Of unquiet, lovely seas;
While the winds were hushed in slumber
In the fragrant flowers and trees.

Wondrous and unwonted beauty
Still adorning all did seem,
While I told my love in fables
'Neath the willows by the stream;
Would the heart have kept unspoken
Love that was its rarest dream!

Instantly away we wandered
In the shadowy twilight tide,
She, the silent, scornful maiden,
Walking calmly at my side,
With a step serene and stately,
All in beauty, all in pride.

Vacantly I walked beside her.
On the earth mine eyes were cast;
Swift and keen there came unto me
Bitter memories of the past--
On me, like the rain in Autumn
On the dead leaves, cold and fast.

Underneath the elms we parted,
By the lowly cottage door;
One brief word alone was uttered--
Never on our lips before;
And away I walked forlornly,
Broken-hearted evermore.

Slowly, silently I loitered,
Homeward, in the night, alone;
Sudden anguish bound my spirit,
That my youth had never known;
Wild unrest, like that which cometh
When the Night's first dream hath flown.

Now, to me the elm-leaves whisper
Mad, discordant melodies,
And keen melodies like shadows
Haunt the moaning willow trees,
And the sycamores with laughter
Mock me in the nightly breeze.

Sad and pale the Autumn moonlight
Through the sighing foliage streams;
And each morning, midnight shadow,
Shadow of my sorrow seems;
Strive, O heart, forget thine idol!
And, O soul, forget thy dreams!

~Edgar Allen Poe

Ignorance is Bliss

This is one of my very favorite photographs of myself.

A friend of mine said, the very first time that he saw this picture, that to him, it seemed very magical, like something from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. That he could almost imagine me spinning around the pillar, vanishing behind it and then not re-appearing on the other side.





To me, this photograph really is magical, and whenever I look at it, it makes me want to disappear behind that pillar and vanish off into some other reality. Or into the past perhaps. I like to think it was better back then...
At least then I was ignorant... and not alone.





I want to go back to the Happy days.

Stockholm Storm

The snow was coming down hard today. The wind was blowing and the air was filled with big snowflakes. There was so much of it that it even made me late for school, but i do not blame it. Even though we have the same kind of snowfall at least a couple of days a year, Stockholm Stad never seems to grasp it and year after year we are buried in snow and most subway trains stand still, or move very slowly. Total chaos ensues and yet they never seem to learn. Funny, is it not?

This morning when I sat in class I looked out the window and could barely see a thing, there was just so much snow. And yet, I could not keep my eyes from it as it fell from the sky to settle in a thick layer on the street. Then, later in the day, the clouds cleared away for a moment and the sun shone down on the freshly fallen snow. I do not think I have ever seen anything so beautiful as when the sun set over the glistening white ground.

Of people and things, and Cabbages and Kings

Is it not funny how depressed we can get just from realizing how few friends we have? Or by thinking of all the people we thought were friends, but really were not? Is it not facinating that other people can have that big an affect on you, whether you like it or not? We humans , much like wolves or other pack animals, are social creatures, constantly dependant on others. We always want someone to be there to take care of us, and someone for us to take care of in turn and we always strive to prove ourselves to people in our surroundings, be they family, friends or just strangers. Everything we do in life is intimately connected to other people. And nothing we do is ever really completely for ourselves.

No matter what we would like to believe, no man, or woman for that matter, is an island. We always want someone to keep us company and sometimes it does not even matter if that someone is not of our own species; it could be a pet, or in Chuck Noland's case: a volleyball. Of course, most of these substitutes do not last very long. Pets will always remain pets, and although they might be nice to cuddle, they can not comfort us when we are sad or tell us that everything will be all right. The same things goes for material things, and sooner or later they are going to be swept away by the waves, leaving us all alone once again.

I once thought that happyness did not neccessarily involve human contact, that there was no much more in the world to keep me feeling good. Only now do I realise how wrong I was. Material happyness in our modernday society is almost like a drug. Presents, clothes and money may be able to keep us happy for a time, but eventually they are going to lose their charm and all we do is crave for more. What had started as a small gift will escalade into heaps of things we really do not need and eventually we will fall into bitter dissappointment when we can not get all that we wish to have.

In the end, even though Things can never replace a good friend, we learn to take joy in the little things. They do not last as long perhaps, but give us enough of them and they can at least sustain us until a person comes along... A person who might, for once, turn out to be a good friend.

But until then, please let me enjoy the clothes and trinkets that make me happy. I do not know what else to do.

Maybe you should do the same.

The First Snow

I am a Winter's Child.

I was born in February and have always loved the cold snowy months of the year. Most people find me odd because of this, they seem to think it natural to love the summer and it's heat, and in turn hate the winter cold, but I don't quite agree. Of course, summer has its charm, just like all the other seasons, but somehow I find that snuggling up under a blanket in front of a fireplace during a snowstorm, or going out to play in the snow on a sunny day is far more pleasant than getting sunburns and sweating.

Maybe it's the Lolita in me talking, after all, it is not very comfortable to wear layers upon layers of clothes in the summer, or perhaps it has something to do with all the gifts I get on Christmas... I do not know. All I know is that whenever the first snow falls on the frozen ground I feel truly happy.

Halloween

This is Halloween,

This is Halloween,

Pumpkin scream in the dead of night.

This is Halloween,

Everybody make a scene,

Trick or Treat until the neighbours' gonna die of fright!

It's our town,

Everybody Scream,

In this town of Halloween...

I ended up going to Lunacy for Halloween, dressed as a pirate as you might have guessed. It was dun for a while, but most of the night was dreadfully boring.... Remind me to do something more fun for Halloween next year?

Fable II

Wonderful game <3