Sometimes I amaze myself.

Sometime I really, truly amaze myself with how badly I can manage to screw things up.

I woke up at around 11.15 today. I had been having a nightmare and it was my father's voice that finally woke me. He was wondering if I shouldn't get up already if I was going to the 5th anniversary of the Swedish Lolita Forum, Gothloli.se. A celebration that started with a museum visit at noon. I almost panicked right there and then but I managed to convince myself to calm down and that I could get ready and still make it for the Afternoon Tea at 3pm. I had over three hours so really it shouldn't be a problem. I could take my time, calm down and get presentable.

Then at around 12.00 I got a text message from my hat making instructor saying that they missed me at the fascinator course. That started at 10 this morning...

I had completely forgotten about it.

Cue panic, anxiety - you name it. The anniversary celebration, although fun, only cost me about 100 SEK so it wasn't that horrible a thing to miss. The hat course on the other hand... my father payed a lot of money for it and I have now completely screwed it up. It's only two days and missing one would mean that... There's barely any point in going at all tomorrow. Though I probably will anyway. For my father's sake. But loosing out on half the course, probably including ALL of the basic knowledge... Fuck. How is it that I always manage to pull stunts like this?

I haven't felt so incredibly useless in a long time.

Comfort Shopping

Right, sorry for being so absent lately. Things happen, stress occurs and uh yeah... after that exhaustion set in and kept me from doing just about everything. Also, Skyrim appeared in my mailbox so I suppose that might explain parts of it. 

Anyway, things were starting to look up and I was planning on writing a looong post about all the good stuff that has happened lately and upload pictures and stuff from Kultcon. Unfortunately, just when I was thinking of doing that (yesterday) things took a turn for the worst again. And by that I mean Worst with a capital W. Old stuff that I thought had been long since buried just resurfaced all of a sudden and yeah... it wasn't nice. So not nice, in fact, that I am seriously contemplating comfort shopping....

The only problem is that I don't have all my money in my bank account so I can't actually place the order until I make a trip down to the bank. ._. 

Also I can't decide what color I want......

Oh and when I have time I might write something nerdy about Skyrim and roleplaying in WoW... but not now.

Prrr, ranting and thoughts. Just never mind me.

Pretentious crap incoming... read at your own risk.

Have you ever had a memory so great that it makes you smile whenever you think of it? It could be of a certain time, a certain place or a certain person but no matter what it always manages to make you happy. I think we rather need memories like that. Especially when times are bad we should all have a moment of such pure unadulterated happiness that we can think back to. It makes all the problems go away for a while... and that small moment of peace is priceless.

I do my best to collect good memories as I go along. I am especially good at keeping some sort of proof of each occassion, such as a photo or something like that. Something I can see, touch and really remember that day. Memories like that really do help when I’m feeling down. Even on the gloomiest of days I can pull out a photograph, a dress, some jewelry, perhaps even a flower and I can remind myself that there still is a silver lining to life. There always is. And having physical proof only makes the feeling all the greater.

Strangely enough though... the most powerful and happy memory I have is just that, a memory. I don’t have anything to remind me of it. No photos, nothing. But no matter what it still remains in my mind, almost constantly. It wasn’t even a big deal... Just one night, out of many, that was spent in good company. There was barely any talking and we were both focused on our tasks. But I don’t think I have ever felt so much at peace before. It was a sort of comfortable silence, broken only by the music playing from the computer, but it makes my heart swell whenever I think of it. Silly, isn’t it? That I should remember that so fondly. I don’t know why, but that night I was really happy.

Now, if I only could let it remain a happy memory, it would be fine. But who can blame me for wanting more? I want more nights like that, I want to feel that happy and at peace again. So no matter what I keep chasing after it. I can’t help myself it seems. Sometimes, no matter how much you try to prevent it, memories fade. Or become embellished, exaggerated. Maybe that night wasn’t as great as I remember it? Maybe I’m just making myself believe it so that I have something worth fighting for? God, I don’t know.

Perhaps it would be best if I let the memory be. Then I could remember that night and smile, and that would be it. It would remain this fantastical night that seems almost too good to be true. It would be unspoiled.

On the other hand, if I continue to chase after it, who’s to say I will ever find it again? Even if I do, maybe it’s not the same as I remember. Then it will all be ruined. Even that first precious memory. It was probably just a figment of my imagination anyway, right?

I’m not sure where I am going with this. Sometimes I just need to get all my thoughts down on paper, whether they make sense or not. This particular question has been bothering me for some time now.

It’s a bit of a gamble, isn’t it? If I chase after that feeling, that moment of pure happiness, I might end up losing more than I bargained for, including the best memory I have.

It would probably be better just to take the memory for what it is. Remember that time and smile on occassion, but otherwise move on with my life and leave that night in the past where it belongs.

Ugh... I apologize for all of this. I’m still not quite well and when I’m sick I tend to think more than is healthy.

Mother Dearest

I hate you, you infernal woman! No matter how many tears you fake or how many diseases you claim to have I will NOT pity you! The entire world does not revolve around you, so just because I say "No" or "Stop" it is not a personal attack against you. It means that I am not the least bit amused by whatever it is that you are doing and that I want you to stop! It is that simple. Stop letting it go to your head and think about everyone else's feelings for once instead of just your own!


Sorry about that... I'm not in a very good place right now.


xxx
Kamalia

Just another one of those rants

How come I am always the last choice? People who claim to love me seem to just forget me whenever one of their "real" friends step into the room. I do not understand... Am I really that horrible to be around? So awful that even though plans have been made, you still prioritize others before me. No matter what I do, I am never good enough to be around, am I? No... Because there will always be someone who is better. Every... Single... Time.

I am starting to think that perhaps I would be better off without any friends at all. It certainly would save me a lot of pain and embarrassment.

There are only a few select people that I trust completely. There used to be a lot more of them, but now there are only five. Two people have been docked off that list and, at this rate, I have a feeling more will follow. I do nott mean to turn my back on people, but sometimes drastic measures must be used in order to save one from heartbreak.

Oso - My over-the-seas Sister. I will always love you or at least as long as you provide me with wonderful smutty RPs.

Panda - My best gay friend. I miss you, sweetie, and I do not know what I would do without you.

Josh - My Australian boytoy. Did not think you would end up on this list, did you?

Kreia - My provider of ironic remarks. You are truly evil, my friend.

Vesh - My trusted older brother. We do not see eachother much but I love you nonetheless, ye olde lycan.

Please do not let me down.

Meanwhile, the rest of you might want to think about this. If you are not one of these five, it means that you have lost whatever trust I used to have in you, and it takes quite a lot for that to happen.

I kept telling myself that I could trust you - that you would always tell me the truth...
Time and time you have proved me wrong on that aspect and each time I have managed to convince myself that there was some morbid reason behind your actions. Well, it has been over a year now and I am sick and tired of your behavior. You lie, you cheat and you steal without ever thinking of the concequences. Not even when your friends get hurt.

If you read this... then you should know who you are, but at this point I simply don't have the strength to say this to your face.

Too much time to think...

I have been foolish, not realizing when I am not wanted somewhere, even though the clues have been plentiful.

Now, I see it more clearly.

After several months of absence I have not heard a single "Where have you been?" or "How are you?" or "What happened?" from any of the people I considered closest to me. I have, on the other hand, heard it from the ones I do not know so well, even on random encounters in the city. When they could have just continued walking, not bothering to talk to me, they stopped and asked how I had been and when I was coming back. Some even pretended that nothing had happened, and just acted like I was coming back any day now. Even though I realize that it was probably just out of courtesy, I can not help but feel relieved that they took the time out of their busy schedule to show that they cared, even just a little bit, while people with my telephone number have not even bothered with a single call.

I never expected a wakeup call from such a simple thing, and yet there it was, although I am not sure if I wanted it at first. Some people say that ignorance is bliss, and I suppose that is true, at least until we reach the point where knowledge of certain things is inevitable. Then, we wish that that day had never come. It is hard to accept the reality, harsh as it is, and time and time again I have found myself running from it.

Unfortunately, running does not solve anything, does it? So, instead I just stopped caring.

Once upon a time I would have been upset if I read that some of you resented me, but right now? Why should I even be bothered to care?

What I did, what we all were trying to do really, was to make you stand up for yourselves. Our methods may have been harsh I admit, but not nearly as terrible as when someone eventually will abuse your confidence, making you do something you really do now want to do. And as dependant on other people as you are, I am sure that you would have fallen under the pressure.

All I wanted was for you to tell me off, to show some courage, and prove that you really could stand up for yourself when the situation demanded it, but you never did. Instead, you did what you always do; you allowed yourself to be affected by other people and ended up losing one of the few people who actually cared about your wellbeing.

Now, I may not be a saint, and I may not have that many friends in the world, but at least I am my own person and the few friends I have accept me for who I am. And that is a lot more than what can be said about you.

There are only a few select people that I will miss and I think they know who they are, but in case they are feeling particularly thick-headed today, they were the ones who stopped, by their own will, to say hello when I came to return my books.

I had not intended for this to become such a very long post, and I do not expect any of the people concerned to read it, and even if they did, they probably would not care, but I needed to get it off my chest. But if, for some unknown reason, the people mentioned ever should come to read this, and find that my opinion might actually be worth something, I hope that they will realize the truth in what I have said. After all, I have no reason to lie in my own journal.

Of people and things, and Cabbages and Kings

Is it not funny how depressed we can get just from realizing how few friends we have? Or by thinking of all the people we thought were friends, but really were not? Is it not facinating that other people can have that big an affect on you, whether you like it or not? We humans , much like wolves or other pack animals, are social creatures, constantly dependant on others. We always want someone to be there to take care of us, and someone for us to take care of in turn and we always strive to prove ourselves to people in our surroundings, be they family, friends or just strangers. Everything we do in life is intimately connected to other people. And nothing we do is ever really completely for ourselves.

No matter what we would like to believe, no man, or woman for that matter, is an island. We always want someone to keep us company and sometimes it does not even matter if that someone is not of our own species; it could be a pet, or in Chuck Noland's case: a volleyball. Of course, most of these substitutes do not last very long. Pets will always remain pets, and although they might be nice to cuddle, they can not comfort us when we are sad or tell us that everything will be all right. The same things goes for material things, and sooner or later they are going to be swept away by the waves, leaving us all alone once again.

I once thought that happyness did not neccessarily involve human contact, that there was no much more in the world to keep me feeling good. Only now do I realise how wrong I was. Material happyness in our modernday society is almost like a drug. Presents, clothes and money may be able to keep us happy for a time, but eventually they are going to lose their charm and all we do is crave for more. What had started as a small gift will escalade into heaps of things we really do not need and eventually we will fall into bitter dissappointment when we can not get all that we wish to have.

In the end, even though Things can never replace a good friend, we learn to take joy in the little things. They do not last as long perhaps, but give us enough of them and they can at least sustain us until a person comes along... A person who might, for once, turn out to be a good friend.

But until then, please let me enjoy the clothes and trinkets that make me happy. I do not know what else to do.

Maybe you should do the same.